MMeO. Makeup results.
Well, the makeup went largely unnoticed, which is probably a good thing.
Friend 1 started ever so slightly when she saw my face, which I learned later was partly a moment of comparison dismay in the face of my dressier-than-usual appearance, where she wore comfortable jeans and a hoodie - looking very pretty, I must say, albeit not "fancied" for a night out.
Friend 2 I made the mistake of giving advance notice of the presence of the makeup and so all she noticed was the mascara and lipstick (barely), which wouldn't be so bad except that she's well exercised in face fashion and if mine were actually working to enhance, I think she would have noticed. It must be time for the visit to a professional!
I am going to set up an appointment with a makeup consultant at
MAC cosmetics (the choice determined by the introduction - a friend of mine knows this guy). I'm of course super curious to see what colors he chooses for me - I can't really figure it out myself because while I have ivory pale skin, I have freckles, and where I have a blue undertone in my skin, my eyes waver between blue and green and, again, I have freckles. I am a pale/blue base with rosy/warm spots. Lovely. Browns are too brown, pinks are too pink. And I'm completely incapable of choosing the proper in-between. Also, I've never learned how to put the darn stuff on correctly. It is not easy, in case you weren't sure.
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MMeO. Makeup.
I am by no means through transforming my wardrobe, and transforning my body, while certainly in-progress -and I am thrilled that "working out" (weights + cardio - "aerobics" is so 80's) in my 8x6 living room space is a actually a completely acceptable way (given my limited budget of money + time) to keep my spirits high and my body getting stronger and with more calcuable + therefore preventable strain on my knees than dancing- is years from being complete (while all of the components of appearance take effort on my part, the change to my way of life is greatest through "body" habits). All this to say I am moving on to include in my daily efforts the application and wearing out in public of... makeup.
Tonight I am going to a exhibition talk at
apexart where curator Robert Punkenhofer's
A Way Beyond Fashion exhibition just opened on Wednesday.
A close friend is joining me, and later we may meet up with
another dear friend, and then possibly even crash my boyfriend's fashion strike pub crawl, where all of his friends know me too. I am anxiously anticipating their reactions to my altered state of face. I worry that, for once not having followed the advice of anyone, my makeup is all wrong. My apartment has wretchedly spotty lighting (normally a beautiful thing) and while I think the makeup turned out ok, it still looked too much to me. I have a freckled and uneven complexion, so adding foundation, powder, blush, and eye shadow --oh yes, and mascara-- is a bit of a shock. I feel very... ivory. (That's the name of the foundation shade.) And now some guy on the train is trying to name all the states in the union in an effort to pinpoint first the midwest and second the state in the midwest from which I admit to have hailed. Um... WHY is this dude talking to me?!!! And when I say dude, I mean it in a categorical way. Hrrm. It can't possibly be the make-up...
Well I don't think that's it, but now I've completely lost my train of thought and have in the meantime arrived at my destination and (woah, that's
vito acconci over there!) am waiting for my first friend of the evening, noticing that my lip gloss has dried up.
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MMeO. Wearing it on my sleeve.
Slowly and over the past several months I have been learning the clothing lessons. I spend a good deal more time browsing sales (online mostly) and worrying about not having the right shoes (I still need several more pairs) since really, shoes are critical to one's wardrobe. They have to function (absorbing shock to minimize wear + tear on the joints b/c even at my young age, they're going) and show flair (b/c it is so easy to be outlandish in one's shoes without making others uncomfortable about one's excessive fashion statement). I have spent more money than comes naturally on new shoes + clothes and it only makes me more aware of how many articles I still lack. I can say I have been rather creative (yes even at 630AM) dressing for my new job. Now that I am desk bound, I feel freer to put together any most outfit and bolder about wearing my "nice" clothes, since there's guaranteed not to be any ladder climbing. It is also through my marked effort this summer + fall that I have even ventured into wearing skirted things. I have revived at least one old dress that may not be all together fashionable but is flattering in a classic way. The handful of dresses acquired in the search for the perfect outfit to wear to someone else's wedding have all seen daylight more than once (including the successful dress), which might be a dress wearing record for me.
But mostly I am simply learning to read everything more confidently and quickly than I did before, which makes me both more at ease with other people's appearance and attire and also anxious about not living up to my own potential in outfit-making. And also my drive to look more grown up and sophisticated is fading. In part because I find whatever feelings of confidence I gain are troubled by lurking shadows of falseness. Perhaps also because I can associate this type of dress only with work and scheduled commitments, which are not bad, but feel constricting.
So here I am, missing my days of denim + tees, but making "progress" nonetheless.
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MMeO. Clothing.
I have an appointment for next weekend with
Amy Eidelman, an image consultant, for a Personal Style Assessment, which is "a comprehensive assessment to determine [my] style, wardrobe goals and a customized approach to meeting [my] expectations."
Basically, I'm hoping she can tell me what to wear so I don't feel like a sell-out while still looking "
sophisticated." Advance warning that implementation of her advice may be very long term. Clothing is f*cking expensive.
Amy asked me to do some homework: "look through magazines/catalogues and bring some pictures that inspire you. It could be clothes, colors, or random images that will help us hone in on your style and preferences."
Here's my first response, all images are from Terry Moore's
Strangers in Paradise, a truly magnificent comic:
So here's what I like about Katchoo. Well, first she's totally cute. But so much more than that, she kicks ass (in a way too awesome to be conveyed from these few images... go read the comic,
today). She's sassy
and bad ass. She's petite but unseemingly powerful. She looks good in a dress, but she looks better in jeans and a bra. She's all-girl, whatever that means.
In an effort to venture a little closer to my own reality, here are some more images that "inspire me." Perhaps confoundingly, the first thing that comes to mind is traditional Japanese architecture.
Oddly enough, both of these spaces have circles in them, which I generally don't like, but I suppose accents are important. Images of clothing were more difficult for me to find, as I don't much care for today's fashions.
I do love strong colors, such as
orange, green, red, blue, grey, black, and even the right shades of rich
brown and
yellow.I do NOT like
tepid pastels and
off-whites. Earth tones are ok if they err on the side of
earth-
tone colorS rather than just
variants on
greyish-brown. (Can you even tell that there are four different colors in the word 'variants'? Neither can I.)
I'm looking forward to seeing what this process with Amy will involve. It makes me feel a little like a movie star or something, to be getting advice on what to wear...
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MMeO. Haircut, check-in.
"Excuse me." I was lost in my own attempt to find North as a passing stranger sought my attention with a tentative hand on my shoulder. "Great hair cut, that's a great style."
Did that really happen? Nearly two months post awesome new haircut a random passing stranger bothered to stop long enough to compliment me on it. Wow. I had already been impressed that for the entire first month after my haircut, fellow employees at the museum were doing the same. Co-workers ranging from those I interact with hourly to those with whom I have never held a single conversation found it impossible to pass without some positive comment. (I'm not exaggerating, I am astonished.) Was it that my peers finally were able to see the person they held in their minds? Were acquaintances starting to see something more?
I have been silently keeping notes on the effects of this brilliant haircut and that others seem to enjoy it more than what I had before is, I admit, a part that makes me more comfortable with them.
And I like the haircut --I like how it feels and that it is FAR easier to wear through the day than long hair. My hair is naturally full, so when it is bobbed, it does that bouncy, springy thing that I always imagined my long hair doing. And I've actually learned how to style it with a blow drier! Not only that, but there are days when I elect to do so, simply because it makes my hair more manageable for a long day. (There must be so many women out there rolling their eyes at my naivete.)
The real break through here is that I feel liberated in my new commitment to this part of my appearance. Yes! I can look "nice." I can show others a little effort and feel better about how I am connecting with society. And I'm okay with choosing to blow-dry my hair or not, to style it one way (clean, professional) or another (youthful, carefree, or something like that). Admittedly, this is an easy place to start because I've always at least worried about how my hair looks, even if I didn't always know what to do about it. Though it's never been the hair I wanted, I have "great hair," so it's easy to "transform" it.
What I'm doing is a) giving in to my hair's characteristics, b) managing them according to codes of beauty (here and now). And, in this case, I'm comfortable with that. I don't feel my sense of person threatened or changed. What has changed a little is that I worry less about how my hair looks and whether it looks "good." I pretty much know how it looks all the time, and I've got unmistakeably honest testimonials as to its "success," if that's what it is to jive with the pleasure others take in your appearance.
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MMeO. Haircut, follow up.
So far, I am not sure how people are treating me any differently, but I am also "undergroomed" today (so much for two weeks of high maintenance - blow drying sucks). Having the support of friends and including other people in this process has helped with any potential worries or insecurity.
On the other hand, I
do feel different.
I feel younger, but older. Stuffier (I see where the cut looks cute, but it's a little softer than I would normally do.) A little freer, and also a little lost. I keep noticing my hair - although I also noticed it when it was long, I was self conscious of it getting in the way. This is somewhat more manageable.
I am going to buy a round brush and I see what I can do with that.
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MMeO. The Haircut.
Please note: video from this session is forthcoming!
Thomas of
Salon Gio was great.
I asked for the professional advice and he offered it - with options. I got the haircut that he wanted for me and I do like it. It certainly feels different. The trick is going to be trying to maintain his styling work so that I keep this look - to see how it really feels to wear this haircut daily.
I'll give myself two weeks of high maintenance and see where I end up.
Oddly enough, on day one, I am mostly excited. What worries me most is not what my friends will think, but the reactions of people whose opinions or judgment of me I do not want (which is again about controlling who gets close to me). Also I am curious if I will be able to perceive a different reaction from new strangers I meet.
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Pre+post haircut.
Here is a short introduction to the project, and my before and after shot.
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 5.
5. So, what is the discrepancy (between #2 + #3)?
The biggest one is that I feel messy and others see me as clean + orderly.
I would like to feel clean and smooth. I would like to look like I know what I am doing... "sophisticated."
Do I really want to
look "sophisticated"? Regardless of whether I
am or not?
What is sophistication?
Isn't it accord with being and seeming? What does it mean to seem? We read each other through our appearance - even after we know each other.
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 4.
4. What do I want to change about the discrepancy (between #2 + #3)?When I started this project, I was secretly excited at the prospect of changing my self-image for the better. Key to this, however, is
change. And I'm discovering that while there are things about myself that I wish were different, I'm not all-too-comfortable with the idea of changing. As I keep growing (up), I know myself better and better. And so for "better or worse," I am familiar to me. And while my appearance still feels out of sync with who I am, I am starting to be familiar with that as well - with the relationship between how I look and how I feel in my body, a relationship that is largely discordant. Or maybe it's that I don't want to face that disappointment every day - disappointment in my actions as much as my "fate" (or genetics) - and facing myself in the mirror every day is the sharpest reminder of that... right?
What kinds of mirrors are there? Can I break down my discomfort with facing myself? Or is it easier to continue living with the familiar sensations of disappointment rather than risk changing into someone that I don't know yet? What if that will be worse? Is this more about how I will deal with the confusion of a
new discord?
Does my appearance have that much power to change me?
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 3.
3. How do I think others see me?I really don't know. What they've
told me includes: decided, neat,
very organized, highly particular, beautiful, "hot," not "hot," athletic, practical, smart, controlling, theoretical/philosophical, a beautiful dancer, a smart dancer...
What I suspect they're not saying is: not such a great dancer, not a versatile dancer (which is true), not really pretty, bossy, mean (well, some
have said that), ego-centric, selfish, confusing, kinda plump, kinda fit, not in shape, evasive, can't take a joke, no sarcasm allowed here.
I would love to know for real.
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 2.
2. Who do I strive to be?Do I strive to be different than I am? Is this question the same as "who do I want to be?" Not really. Because I'm not sure I
want to be any different - well, to be someone
else.
I do wish I weren't soft in my belly + thighs, but, at least as far as the latter goes, I'm not sure I would recognize myself without them. I do not like change in routine but I have learned to accept it and grow with it.
But I do strive to be less messy. I try to organize, to pick out new clothing that fits (it really isn't that easy), to get rid of things I don't like wearing. I try to embrace new fashions, but it doesn't usually work out very well.
I strive to give in to how I feel. I also strive to control how I feel with to-do lists and things for which to be responsible.
I strive to live up to my leadership roles. I strive to be more kind - but not hard enough.
My appearance is fairly consistent. I'm not sure whether or not I work at that.
I try to be comfortable in body so I can be productive in body + mind.
I strive to be clear, but I really enjoy being "cryptic" because it makes me eccentric or/and special - it means you have to know me to understand me, to "get" me.
I do not strive to be an open book. But I do strive to be in control of sharing myself with others - I try not to be protective, which is hard.
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 1.
This post is in response to
5 questions I set up for myself to answer.
1. My perception of who I amI am not the cool kid. But already my terms are external. In plain words, I think I am messy (not my behaviour, me/my appearance). I
hate messy. Stylish messy is okay - carefully placed chaos. But that is not me. I like clean and I try to be clean and instead I feel messy.
I feel messy because I have to carry 2 bags - or 1 bag that is too heavy for me. I feel messy because I have to wear a winter coat and it looks bulky. My hat, too. I feel messy because my hair never does what I want it to - and if it comes close, I have to stay immobile to keep it.
I think my thin, pale skin is messy. I think my extra fat, my soft belly and dimply thighs, is messy. My ready sweat glands are messy. I know my overeating and rapid eating are messy, but food just tastes better if you eat like you mean it!
I think my actions are occasionally smooth - those that I must recreate regularly, and only some of them. I can carry myself well for about 30s. More than that, but it always takes effort. Most of the time I feel my body is sloppy in its movements. I feel unorganized. I feel lost in a sea of choices. I am very scattered.
I have learned to say that I am one thing (because others tell me so) - like being organized, neat, decided, forceful in my opinions - but I do not see that about myself. I feel indecisive, scattered, wishy-washy. I may
sound decisive but I cannot commit to my made-up mind. Maybe because it is all make believe?
That's what's more: I start things and I do not finish them. What does this say about me? A truth that I know. I prefer questions to answers, possiblities to discovery, process to product, work to happiness. I like to be doing things. I don't like being tired (unless I can go to sleep, which I always feel guilty about: should I be working more?).
Does the above answer
who I am?
What does it mean to
be someone? Are there any facts?
I feel taller than I look. I have proportionately short legs. I have "small" breasts. I like them until I go shopping. (Dresses are really hard to find.) I take that back - I like that they are small and do not "get in the way" when I am dancing. I do not like their appearance because I think they look premature, childish.
I think I look like a young girl. I feel like a young girl sometimes. I feel assertive and adult at other times, like when I am telling someone "how it is" and when I think I am "right" about something.
I am
thoroughly disappointed that "being an adult" is NOT as glamorous and "cool" as I thought it would be. It isn't as independent as I wanted. I
am independent. I am not independent. I do not like being dependent.
What else goes into who I am?
Who am I?
I am a woman, a girl. I am happiest in "dance pants." I do not like my image because it is not pleasing to me. Is it also because I do not like myself? Do I think my image is so very different from who I am?
Yes. I am sensitive to
cool. I love beauty and I feel things. I am expressive. I am clear, but many people don't understand me. I can be someone else. Can't I?
Do I wan't to be someone else?
I am negative. It is rare that anything is "good enough" to truly satisfy my love of beauty and "perfection."
I do love fantasy - just the kind in my head, not the otherworldly kind.
What is in my head? A vision of wholeness?
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MMeO. radio.
At work, I listen to a lot of podcasts - seminars, education, and NPR.
This American Life is without a doubt my favorite show. I love its cadence. And since it's only on once a week, I end up listening to the best of the best multiple times. My favorite story is about a physicist who spends his entire life trying to figure out time travel so that he can protect his dad from an early death by heart attack.
I love the voices in that episode. The voices. They have this clarity - its the safe remove from the emotion of the actual events. It allows us to follow the story on our own path. We can connect to it through our own experiences. The story about the physicist usually makes me cry. And I'm always thinking about something in my own life.
I'm not sure, because I don't know much about story-telling or radio/voice art, but I wonder if it is because of the medium that I can connect on a personal level, just a bit more self-involved than with film.
I think I'll explore that next.
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MMeo. thoughts.
Beauty norms
are rules of communication. But why is it useful to operate within them? When is it better to exacerbate them for social progress?
Take it back to the level of the individual. A girl does what other people do because then she fits in, she doesn't have to think so hard, and she has one step of interpersonal communication taken care of (in a way). More than doing as do others on a grand scale, she copies family and social environments in which she spends most of her time (these may just as likely be a real environments as imagined ones).
Then there are extremes. These stereotype people because we read extremes so heavily. And what about people who suffer from the confusion at this level of communication? What about the trends and revolutionary changes? How do they affect the individual?
It gives us something to use to communicate our agreement, our adherence to an idea, our commitment to a group. It helps us show that we are, for example, young, hip, new, fresh -- but do we always put these tools to use to communicate what they're meant to say?
What if the style or trend or dictates of the time, movement, or fad confuse the individual? Confuse her sense of self, her perception of self. Or do worse? Because a trend or movement will not be deep enough to encompass all of our idiosyncrasies or, more importantly, all of what each of us wants to say. What of times and places where added appearance is even less diverse in option? And what of the fact that ultimately we probably define our sense of self (or lack thereof) in the terms of current trends?
Is clothing an extension of our physical selves or are we an extension of our clothing?
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MMeO. early tests.
Things to notice.. I tried wearing mascara. It ended up lopsided, which was readily apparent b/c I have pale lashes.
. I tried pulling my hair back in a stylish way. It was difficult to maintain throughout the day. I tried wearing my hair loose. It was difficult to see anything.
. well shit, that new shirt I bought (on sale!) is in the laundry b/c I used it for a performance last week. now what? how am I supposed to suddenly acquire a whole new wardrobe?
. I'm not quite there yet and have to set shit up later.
. Clothing is expensive, all I own are Tees!
. Drycleaning is also expensive, and having to get every new pair of pants altered b/c I'm only 5'4" sucks.
. I love turtlenecks. I look far sassier in the winter.
. not really.
Dudu's comment.The other day for work I made an effort to look more polished. I put on a little mascara (I think it went on ok) and wore a necklace. I chose a t-shirt with a little more shape. I tried to make my ponytail fall just so and look placed. Dudu, a colleague at work who takes no end of pleasure in teasing me for not being more "girly", told me I looked "very put together today. Is it intentional?".
I nearly fell over! And since no beauty is ever supposed to be artificial, I said "no."
Liz.Everytime she sees me with my hair down, she says "Oh! you look so pretty with your hair down!" How do I look with it up?
Making an effort.These were the days I felt good already. I had drive. I felt safe taking on a little something more. What about the days I feel like crap?
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MMeO. en route to change.
Esther gets a makeover.
1. assess the "problems"
2. get friends + acquaintances (people I know well and not so well) to give their impressions of me now and 10 months from now.
3. seek advice from a consultant
4. put the advice into action
5. see what happens to me - will my perception of myself change? will other people's perceptions of me change?
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MMeO. a description.
Make Me Over. MMeO.
There is a myth of transformation. A beautiful person is concealed under a confusing appearance - an appearance that doesn't use social codes to communicate. And if we would only translate that person's beauty into the standard language of social norms, their inner beauty would be revealed to all. The awkward person's problems of social ineptitude would be magically solved.
So goes the fairytale. And in the movies, it always works. The girl adapts seamlessly to her new environment of make up, big hair, and high heels. She gets the guy, the job, and all her dreams, present and future.
Today's codes are looser and broader than those we read about, but they remain in place nonetheless. Everyone can tell the difference between a carefully placed disheveled and truly unkempt - between the fashionably coded and the out of style.
I am fascinated by the way in which our appearance communicates us - and whether or not it can change us. Can these movie-style makeovers actually work as smoothly as portrayed?
I am starting a new project,
Make Me Over, to examine the question and the process. It will involve the men and women who peddle the put-on self: make-up artists, hair stylists, fashion designers and salespeople. I will try different shops and differnt solutions to try to "make me over", following advice and letting experts decide for me.
I hope to bring other women like me into this process. Women who make themselves pretty and women who don't, women who daily make a conscious effort and women who just grab their clothes and go. It will involve those who watch us make these choices - the men and women, the peers and supervisors, the mentors and protegees.
To be part of the project, send me your story: esthermpalmer [at] gmail.comLabels: MMeO
MMeO. make me over.
I am working on a new project idea. It might stay in the idea phase for a while, but sharing I am nonetheless.
make me overWe live in societies and we communicate through a myriad of different means - with words both spoken and written, using our bodies (willingly and not), and through our appearances and actions. (These are just some of the major ones that I think about on a regular basis.) We use these means to dissent and to follow (and other things, but again, this is supposed to be short). And I'm interested in why it is important - or not - for us to follow popular (i.e. widespread, functioning) communication methods.
The example that most irks me is appearance, particularly women's appearance (I focus on women b/c I know them better, sorry guys).
I am not a make-up wearer. Like most little girls, I did experiment with it some -- and for a stretch even worn minimal amounts. But I finally gave it up - mostly b/c it was easier to go without. A few years after that, I remember preparing for an interview and asking my friend (who does wear make-up) whether I should put on a little mascara or lipstick. "Well," she said "it shows effort." And like the big dope that I am, I thought that was logical and put on the mascara. What I forgot is that on me, makeup just looks foolish.
I remember another time I let a friend do my eyes. She dressed them up very dark and smokey. She loved it b/c it made me look sexy and mysterious. I HATED it b/c I couldn't recognize myself! I thought it looked false and fake.
I am a terrible liar. I wear every thought on my face and no amount of makeup will disguise that. Though I may be bewildering to people, I am not sexy and mysterious. At least not in the smokey eyes kinda way.
So here I am, hungry to know more - objectively and emotionally - about how we communicate what we want to be through such established methods as "dressing up" or "putting on our faces". There's a great deal more I need to explain here, but I'm running out of time, so I'll just finish by saying that the project is first and foremost a study. I'd love to make a performance piece out of it, but now is the time for research - and I'm the guinea pig.
Stay tuned to find out how...
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