electromagnetic pulse

MMeO. My self-examination, question 1.

This post is in response to 5 questions I set up for myself to answer.

1. My perception of who I am

I am not the cool kid. But already my terms are external. In plain words, I think I am messy (not my behaviour, me/my appearance). I hate messy. Stylish messy is okay - carefully placed chaos. But that is not me. I like clean and I try to be clean and instead I feel messy.

I feel messy because I have to carry 2 bags - or 1 bag that is too heavy for me. I feel messy because I have to wear a winter coat and it looks bulky. My hat, too. I feel messy because my hair never does what I want it to - and if it comes close, I have to stay immobile to keep it.

I think my thin, pale skin is messy. I think my extra fat, my soft belly and dimply thighs, is messy. My ready sweat glands are messy. I know my overeating and rapid eating are messy, but food just tastes better if you eat like you mean it!

I think my actions are occasionally smooth - those that I must recreate regularly, and only some of them. I can carry myself well for about 30s. More than that, but it always takes effort. Most of the time I feel my body is sloppy in its movements. I feel unorganized. I feel lost in a sea of choices. I am very scattered.

I have learned to say that I am one thing (because others tell me so) - like being organized, neat, decided, forceful in my opinions - but I do not see that about myself. I feel indecisive, scattered, wishy-washy. I may sound decisive but I cannot commit to my made-up mind. Maybe because it is all make believe?

That's what's more: I start things and I do not finish them. What does this say about me? A truth that I know. I prefer questions to answers, possiblities to discovery, process to product, work to happiness. I like to be doing things. I don't like being tired (unless I can go to sleep, which I always feel guilty about: should I be working more?).

Does the above answer who I am?

What does it mean to be someone? Are there any facts?

I feel taller than I look. I have proportionately short legs. I have "small" breasts. I like them until I go shopping. (Dresses are really hard to find.) I take that back - I like that they are small and do not "get in the way" when I am dancing. I do not like their appearance because I think they look premature, childish.

I think I look like a young girl. I feel like a young girl sometimes. I feel assertive and adult at other times, like when I am telling someone "how it is" and when I think I am "right" about something.

I am thoroughly disappointed that "being an adult" is NOT as glamorous and "cool" as I thought it would be. It isn't as independent as I wanted. I am independent. I am not independent. I do not like being dependent.

What else goes into who I am?

Who am I?

I am a woman, a girl. I am happiest in "dance pants." I do not like my image because it is not pleasing to me. Is it also because I do not like myself? Do I think my image is so very different from who I am?

Yes. I am sensitive to cool. I love beauty and I feel things. I am expressive. I am clear, but many people don't understand me. I can be someone else. Can't I?

Do I wan't to be someone else?

I am negative. It is rare that anything is "good enough" to truly satisfy my love of beauty and "perfection."

I do love fantasy - just the kind in my head, not the otherworldly kind.

What is in my head? A vision of wholeness?

Labels: MMeO

posted by e m p @ 10:00 PM